Whilst I have been aware of a number of my own personality traits for a long time, it has only been since I began delving into the impacts of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) that I have started to understand the relationship between the two. As I have mentioned previously, I am not a psychologist. Consequently, despite my medical knowledge I have had to approach this entire subject from a perspective of complete ignorance. In fact it has really only been since I have been trying to understand why I keep sabotaging both my own wellbeing and mental health, but also relationships with people I genuinely love. It is an exhausting, devastating way to live. Even more so when one realises that the seeds for this functioning were sewn early in childhood, well before there is any opportunity to make corrections and prevent the evolution of maladaptive behaviours in adulthood.
In researching the subject of CEN online in an attempt to both understand and repair myself, I have found that there are a number of really excellent resources available. These include blog posts from experienced professionals who have spent their career helping people heal. A number of academic papers have of course been written on the subject and Psychological Societies from around the globe also have information on the subject. The breadth and depth of information available is obviously far beyond the scope of a simple post like this, but I do hope to chat a little about some of my learnings in relation to my own functioning and how this sits with known features of CEN. Naturally, I will provide relevant links and references to sources that I have found helpful. If you have found yourself here trying to comprehend and fix the same stuff as I am, then I hope with all my heart that you find these references useful to your journey of healing.
I have known for many years that I have low self esteem and very little in the way of self confidence. It seems that the natural response to this is to continually attempt to overcompensate. I would suggest that this overcompensation behaviour most often involves whatever talent/ability/skill someone is best at and that becomes the focus point for building one’s sense of self worth. Or at least trying to.
In my case, studying and academic performance was where I seemed to end up. Spending hour upon hour studying in my room during high school served a number of purposes. It provided the positive academic results that should have created a sense of pride and confidence in myself. But there were other less tangible elements also. Looking back, my bedroom really became a place of solitude and extrication from the arguments in the kitchen. I am certain that these arguments were not as frequent in nature as I seem to recall them being. I am yet to figure out just what that means. The other impact of both the long hours studying and the academic results was the ‘people pleaser’ aspect. I think this was one of the few tools I had available to me, with which to try to generate happiness in mum, and I think to obtain some level of recognition, validation and emotional engagement. All of these are identified as features of adults who experienced CEN. For myself, many of these behaviours have continued through adulthood.
For many years I was definitely a people pleaser. I would generally do anything to please colleagues or bosses in order to be seen as someone who was nonconfrontational and willing to say ‘yes’ in order to make other’s lives easier. What I eventually realised was that this also involved having no boundaries or limits to what was acceptable to myself. I had never learned how to set and maintain fair but strong boundaries in order to protect my sense of self worth. It was decades in to my career when I realised that colleagues were much better at setting and maintaining their boundaries and they were respected a lot more because of it.
Interestingly, when I did eventually start setting my own boundaries and refusing to say ‘yes’ to every request (particularly from my manager), I was criticised as being obstructive and problematic. Mmmm. There you go. Make of that what you will dear reader.
Perth based psychotherapist Tiffany Ha uses the term ‘toxic shame’ in her blog post on CEN. She describes the term as ‘a pervasive feeling that “something is wrong with me” ‘. This feeling is something with which I am very familiar having felt that way certainly most of my adult life. She also provides several other adult manifestations of CEN, including feeling lonely, even in the company of others – something I have written myself almost verbatim in a previous post. Other commonly described symptoms include low self esteem or self confidence, feeling numb or empty inside and difficulty with emotional regulation.
I actually think it is the ‘toxic shame’ and need to blame oneself, to feel guilt, worthlessness and undeserving that is the major causative factor resulting in infidelity in the setting of CEN. Self sabotage as an adult symptom of CEN is well known. Intimate relationships just happen to be the vehicle with which to achieve the emotions above. It has become increasingly obvious as I have learned more about this, that the only way out is to understand where the maladaptive and dysfunctional responses have arisen from and work on your own sense of self in order to prevent repetition of errors of the past. As I said earlier. It’s a full time job.
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