I think this post is the reason I started writing this blog. All the stuff up to this point has been setting the scene, introductory filler if you like. It’s impossible to just launch in to what you think is wrong with yourself without trying to deconstruct some of the memories, emotions and behaviours that have existed for so long. Childhood emotional neglect happens when parents fail to respond adequately and consistently to their chlid’s emotional needs. There are a multitude of resources on the subject online, however I have found Dr. Jonice Webb (and others I will reference in other blogs) particularly helpful in building an understanding of how childhood emotional neglect silently infiltrates families, even generations frequently resulting in lifelong consequences.
In thinking about my own upbringing, it is clear to me that my mother had significant difficulties with mental health even prior to having children. The degree to which this was contributed to by the process of adoption I will never know. It is more than possible that her mental health struggles were related to a multitude of factors. Her father, my grandfather fought in the Second World War. I have no knowledge whatsoever what the family dynamic was like for my mother growing up, as it has never been discussed. Her brother, ten years older, has always appeared a physically and mentally healthy man in my eyes. A career firefighter, he had a happy family home, five children and a wide range of hobbies and interests including flying gliders, camping, fishing, 4WDing, collecting gem stones and model making. I have long been fascinated that many of his interests and hobbies are shared with my own. Environment or genetics, the relationship is hard to define.
Although the factors responsible for mum’s mental health difficulties are not wholly understood, I am now certain that the impact of this was the creation of an emotionally disengaged and distant parenting style. This was combined with a deep depression which was expressed as anger, volatility and inability to connect with many people around her. I have written already, that I am certain that as the ‘eldest’ child, not only was I at the fore of mum’s struggles with these emotions and issues, but there was also an unconscious expectation that I would be something of an emotional crutch to her, since it was evident that she could not, or would not rely on my father to provide that support.
My mother is an incredibly stubborn human being. In fact, it took for me to be midway through my medical studies before she would agree to me taking her to her GP to get treated for anxiety and depression. This was something that should have been done decades earlier in my opinion. Not only was I the one responsible for forcing this to happen, I had over much of my life been mum’s point of first access when she had symptoms of an anxiety attack with chest tightness , shortness of breath, tearfulness or poor sleep. Or I had the role of counsellor when there was an argument and I had to try to coax her from her bedroom. Or I was the negotiator and marriage counsellor after an argument to try to bring the two of them back in to the same space.
I am now convinced, both from personal experience and from my research around the subject, that the lack of a sense of safety together with the emotional void I experienced has been a significant, if not the most significant cause of my difficulties in establishing and maintaining relationships as an adult. I have recognised in myself, a lack of self confidence in relationships whereby I am frequently in a state of preparation that the woman I am falling in love with will eventually see through my facade of confidence and decide to leave. I have also constructed walls around myself, to protect myself at any cost. Do not let anyone in. Do not show vulnerability. Such a messed up situation.
There is always this underlying fear of allowing my heart to be fully open and vulnerable and to let someone in completely. The fear of being abandoned, of being hurt is real. Making this much worse, is that when this dynamic does play out, as it has done in the past, the grief and mental anguish established only collude to intensify the concern of being abandoned in the next relationship, and so with each failure the psychological injury is more devastating.
In my case, both in regards to this functioning as an adult, and with the lack of self assuredness that was instilled in me as a child, I have no doubt that the sabotage of each relationship is actually driven by enormous fear of the other person leaving, of abandoning me. It is a selfish and horrific view, because it fails to recognize the love and perspective of the partner in the relationship. All that you can think of is that I am a failure, this person will never want to spend their life with me, I am not good enough, I am worthless. And then once in that spiraling place of self destruction, actions to confirm that mindset then allow for the sabotage of the relationship to occur. As I have written previously, the very sad part of this, for me at least, and I am sure for many others who have found themselves in this situation, is that all I ever wanted was to feel loved and safe. To feel that I wasn’t going to be replaced by the next man who was more alpha male, more muscly, richer, or more clever. I just wanted to feel that the girl I loved, loved me back, and would never leave. And each time I have f%&ked it up, because I have been so convinced in my soul that I am unworthy and that any day, that exact thing would occur. It makes me truly sad.
I think it would be very easy for anyone reading this to say, why the infidelity? Why if you feel that way don’t you just go and seek help and sort your s&*t out before it destroys your relationship? I don’t even believe the infidelity has to be physical. In my case it was not, it was messaging or app viewing that I think was actually about trying to boost self esteem. The driver to the functioning here (in my opinion) is not the reply or contact that says ‘hey someone thinks I’m interesting/sexy/clever etc’. The driver is actually much more complex because the driver is the normalised need to feel guilt and shame. It is the re-installation of a sense of being shit, of being worthless and being undeserving of someone. It is a truly disturbing mix of searching for a boost to self esteem, combined with trying to confirm the self loathing that was instilled in you from your very earliest years.
The reality is, for me, I think it has been the life long attempt to escape that sense of being inferior, of being less deserving of success, of love that has been channeled in to my attempts to perform or excel in whatever i could. Some have called it over-achieving, Type A personality or whatever, but the underlying intention is the same. A maladaptive drive to over achieve in order to compensate for what is a deeply engrained sense of failure, low esteem and inferiority.
I was very shy through my childhood and much of my adult life. I know during school and university that this impacted greatly on my ability to form friendships and romantic relationships. In many cases, and on many occasions I am sure people described me as aloof, distant and even arrogant. The fact is though, that I was never any of those things (well at least I don’t believe I was!). I was a deeply self conscious person who lacked a lot of confidence in engaging with other people. Is this a part of the autism spectrum disorder? I don’t know. I can interact well with people and i have been told many times that people who have met me in professional or social settings have never had a sense of awkwardness or social anxiety from me. I wonder though that this is not just a reflection of how good I have got at masking and pretending I am better than I am to those with whom I interact. Medicine itself is an acting game like this, a profession where one trains to speak and act with confidence, with reassuring nature and empathy even though on the inside there may be anxiety, lack of confidence and lack of trust in one’s own ability as a physician. But it is of little value to the patient to have a clinician who portrays themselves in such a way.
I have a lot more to say about childhood attachment and bonding, sense of emotional safety and fear of abandonment both in general and as it relates to me personally. I am not a child psychologist and whilst I have a broad stroke understanding of the impacts on adult mental health of these critical aspects of early childhood development, I need to read around this subject in greater detail before attempting to utilise that information in understanding my own experiences and healing from them.
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